Maybe I Really Am a Lover Girl?

Just One Who’s Still Learning How to Love Herself First…

I never thought of myself as the “lover girl” type. You know, the one who dreams of grand gestures and butterflies every time someone calls. But lately, I’ve been sitting with this thought, almost like it’s a secret I’m just now ready to admit:

Maybe I really am a lover girl.

But not in the way you’d expect. Not in the "whirlwind romance" sense. No, it’s deeper than that. It’s how my heart moves too quickly, how I give pieces of myself away before I’ve even gotten a chance to make sure they fit. It’s how I see the good in people before they’ve shown me anything worthy of trust. I care too much. Too often. Even when I don’t know how to show it. And that... that’s where things get complicated.

Love — the way I’ve practiced it, has sometimes hurt me more than it’s held me.

I’ve loved in ways that made me small.I’ve poured so much of myself into other people that there were days I didn’t even recognize what was left.I thought if I could just love someone enough, they’d see me. Stay. Choose me.But what really happened was…I forgot to choose myself.

So now, when love shows up looking soft and safe, I get nervous. I overthink. I pull away. Not because I don’t want it, but because part of me doesn’t believe I’m ready for it. Because what if they love the parts of me I still flinch at?What if they see light where I’ve only known shame?

There’s this confusing tension I keep bumping into.. between wanting love, and being ready to receive it. I’m nervous that when I do meet someone, and the connection feels good, emotional and deep. I feel like I’d always wonder if it’s real love Or am I just lonely?Do I want a relationship, or do I just want someone to sit with me in the silence?

It’s hard to tell sometimes.

I catch feelings faster than I’d like to admit. Maybe it’s just who I am. Or maybe it’s the little girl in me still looking for safety. Still hoping to be chosen. Maybe I’m not just chasing love? Maybe I’m chasing healing through someone else’s hands.

But here’s what I’m slowly learning:Wanting love isn’t the problem. It’s how I’ve learned to give it that I’m finally starting to question.

Because love… real grounded, healthy love, shouldn’t cost me myself. It shouldn’t feel like sacrifice or shrinking. It should feel like expansion. Like becoming even more of myself with someone beside me, not in place of me.

I’m not saying I don’t want a relationship. I do.But I’m starting to want a relationship with myself even more.

I want to stop calling peace “boring” just because it feels unfamiliar.I want to stop running from softness just because chaos used to feel like home.I want to know myself so deeply that when love arrives, I can recognize it and not doubt it.

So yes, I’m a lover girl.But I’m learning to be my own lover first.

I’m learning to look at the parts of myself I used to hide and say, “You’re not too much. You’re not too broken. You’re mine, and I’ve got you now.”

Healing isn’t linear. And I won’t pretend I have all the answers.

But I do know this: Next time love knocks, I don’t want fear to answer the door.

I want it to be me… whole, grounded, and ready.And until then, I’m staying right here, building a life and a heart I’m proud to come home to.

Even if, for now, I’m the only one living in it.